Things that made me laugh - Garrison Keillor pt2

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL  DAY!" The salesman takes the chainsaw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

(Make sure you imagine the Scottish accent in this one)
(Also pardon my french... /scottish)

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run ... run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Things that made me laugh - Garrison Keillor pt1

What do you call someone that doesn't fart in public?

A private tooter

The Queen had come to open a new surgical clinic at the local hospital. The ceremony finishing slightly early, she decided to visit some patients in other parts of the hospital.

She walked into the next ward and went up to the first bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.
The man looked at her and said, "My luve is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June."
Somewhat taken aback, she moved on to the next bed. "And why are you here?" she asked.

"Oh, wert thou in the cauld blast, on yonder lea, on yonder lea, My plaidie to the angry airt, I'd shelter thee, I'd shelter thee," came the reply.

Really confused now, the Queen tried once more. She moved on to the next bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.

"Wee, sleeket, cowran tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!" was the answer.
The Queen turned to the hospital manager. "Is this the psychiatric ward" she asked?

"No, it's the Burns Unit." 

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection
plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be
able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would
I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above
the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore,
he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on
the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs
and parts flew everywhere.

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. 
It took them a week to clean up the church. 

Plenty of Pretty Good Jokes - Garrison Keillor

I found this at my online library, I don't really remember a lot of jokes but everyone loves hearing them so I got this thinking maybe I would intentionally remember some.  

I didn't really know what the format would be - one liners, people telling stories.  I started listening and it didn't seem like something that was recorded specifically for an audiobook, more like a radio show.  I looked up Garrison Keillor and such enough he is a radio presenter.  

Anyway, I thought rather than reviewing these jokes I would just start a segment called 'Things that made me laugh...'

Here's the first installment