What do you call someone that doesn't fart in public?
A private tooter
She walked into the next ward and went up to the first bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.
The man looked at her and said, "My luve is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June."
Somewhat taken aback, she moved on to the next bed. "And why are you here?" she asked.
"Oh, wert thou in the cauld blast, on yonder lea, on yonder lea, My plaidie to the angry airt, I'd shelter thee, I'd shelter thee," came the reply.
Really confused now, the Queen tried once more. She moved on to the next bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.
"Wee, sleeket, cowran tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!" was the answer.
The Queen turned to the hospital manager. "Is this the psychiatric ward" she asked?
"No, it's the Burns Unit."
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection
plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be
able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would
I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above
the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore,
he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on
the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs
and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
