Things that made me laugh - Garrison Keillor pt2

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL  DAY!" The salesman takes the chainsaw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

(Make sure you imagine the Scottish accent in this one)
(Also pardon my french... /scottish)

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run ... run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Things that made me laugh - Garrison Keillor pt1

What do you call someone that doesn't fart in public?

A private tooter

The Queen had come to open a new surgical clinic at the local hospital. The ceremony finishing slightly early, she decided to visit some patients in other parts of the hospital.

She walked into the next ward and went up to the first bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.
The man looked at her and said, "My luve is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June."
Somewhat taken aback, she moved on to the next bed. "And why are you here?" she asked.

"Oh, wert thou in the cauld blast, on yonder lea, on yonder lea, My plaidie to the angry airt, I'd shelter thee, I'd shelter thee," came the reply.

Really confused now, the Queen tried once more. She moved on to the next bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.

"Wee, sleeket, cowran tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!" was the answer.
The Queen turned to the hospital manager. "Is this the psychiatric ward" she asked?

"No, it's the Burns Unit." 

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection
plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be
able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would
I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above
the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore,
he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on
the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs
and parts flew everywhere.

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. 
It took them a week to clean up the church. 

Plenty of Pretty Good Jokes - Garrison Keillor

I found this at my online library, I don't really remember a lot of jokes but everyone loves hearing them so I got this thinking maybe I would intentionally remember some.  

I didn't really know what the format would be - one liners, people telling stories.  I started listening and it didn't seem like something that was recorded specifically for an audiobook, more like a radio show.  I looked up Garrison Keillor and such enough he is a radio presenter.  

Anyway, I thought rather than reviewing these jokes I would just start a segment called 'Things that made me laugh...'

Here's the first installment

Earn What You're Really Worth... Things that made me think

Work 2 hours extra each day, read for an hour a day, listen to audio books daily, work through lunch, volunteer for everything and maintain the relationships in your life. 
       And for the other  minutes in my day I guess I'll sleep.

He would mention in different ways that All the top executives in the world do...  All the top 1% of money earners have this characteristic...
       I presume he interviewed all of them

Earn What You're Really Worth - Brian Tracy

Back to my usual meat.

As you can tell I chose this book because of the vibrant cover...  Really I went to the library because I had finished The Brother's Karamazov and didn't want to read another free book.  I just grabbed the first business-ie book I could find because I didn't have much time.

My expectations were that this would be bland and it didn't/did disappoint.  It wasn't that bad really.

The book is all about getting a good job and getting promoted faster than other people.  I couldn't tell if it was too general or too specific.  It would give advice on how to get promoted quicker such as 'work harder than everyone else around you' or 'don't take lunch breaks' or 'dress nice.'

 

Ummm... thank... you..?...

Then he would have practical things to do at the end of each chapter that were meant for people in a specific type of business, most of which I couldn't do.  I'm sure his profound advice to me would be - get a different job.  

Usually the things that brighten these books up are the stories.  There was nary an ounce of inspiration between them (I wonder if that's how you use that word).

This was the opposite of '4-hour work week'.  A slow paced get-rich-slow book.  I'm sure there were some useful things in there but the only thing I really learnt was, do judge a book by it's cover.  

The Brothers Karamazov... Things that made me think

Even though this was fiction there were some interesting things about it

Translated by Contance Garnett - this was another thing that was mentioned every chapter.  It was translated into English at the turn of the 20th century.
       It made me think about how few words we use these days.  Some words have been lost to history.
       Words I need to use: Supercilious, nary, tarry and base.

There were many different characters and the author went deep inside the mindset of at least five.
       Did Dostoyevsky associate himself with all of them in different ways?
       What was his motivation for writing this?  It can't have been just a story because most of it ins't story

The Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoyevsky pt2

12 books and 40 solid hours later and I'm done with The Brother's.  What to say about it?

One thing I will say is I understand why there are abridged versions of books.  I've always wondered what they cut out of the full version but I can see now that whole chunks of this book could be thrown away without really taking away from the story line.  Not that these pieces aren't interesting but sometimes they seem like a spin off.

For example there is a whole book devoted to the teachings of Father Zossima, who is obviously an integral part of the mentality of Alyosha (the main protagonist).  However, by the end of the story you forget who this person was and Alyosha does not even seem like someone influenced by this monk.  I think this was mainly an opportunity to get some of Dostoyevsky's thoughts out to the public.  

As I said this wasn't necessarily uninteresting, in fact I was surprised by the orthodoxy (in the literal sense) of these theses, while surrounded with the Eastern Orthodox beliefs and superstitions (that were obvious in other characters).  It would be interesting to read up on Dostoyevsky (maybe a Cliff note book). 

The story only really got going in the last few books with the murder of Fyodor Karamazov but there are no cliff hangers even in this as the narrator tells you of the murder the suspects and the verdict before each one is even close to happening.  The interest comes in how each is resolved.  

Apart from abridgment this book did make me thankful for a few things.  

Good parenting - Fyodor the father (interestingly the same name as Dostoyevsky) was the worst.  He abandoned all his children so that he could hedonize.  The servants that did take care of them didn't do the greatest job and the result was four very different boys.  Only one of these seems emotionally secure presumably because of his lengthy contact with monasticism.  

Forensic science - the trial at the end would not have existed if it was set 100 years later.  Maybe this is why our books are so much shorter.  

Audiobooks - This would be one of those books where, as you read you drift off and realized 5 minutes later that you haven't read a single word.  Thankfully, when I drifted off on this one the narrator kept going and I didn't really miss much.  

The Library - This was a Librivox recording from the public domain, which I was reminded of every chapter by a multitude of different speakers.  Some of these had thick accents that I could just about understand.  Not only did the characters in this book have many names each but each one was pronounced differently by the speakers.  You get what you pay for.  

So many more things could be said about this book but I've come to appreciate less words so I'll  stop.